October 6th-wow!

So. I just now realize that my last post was September 29th-a week ago. Hmm, i've just been really busy. I had every intention of blogging at some point, but I guess my POINT is now. :) 

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow so much. I DO NOT have to leave my house unless I really want to.  Then, of course, I am thinking of something that I will probably have to leave for...but  not a biggie. Tonight was our AWANA night. The kids, yes all three of them, go to AWANA for a glorious hour and a half.  They all seem to really enjoy it and we use their story and memory verse as our "bible" for school. :) I just hit on each key thing and help them with memorization. What I didn't realize is the perks that this guaranteed hour and a half would have. (Man, how glad I am they talked me into enrolling M!) 
  So far, I have: been to dirt cheap and chinese with a bf, met for milkshakes and girltalk with another bf, spent time on the treadmill exercise, praying and praising, met with my MM for girltalk and spent time with my husband when is off on that particular Wednesday. So, not only do I know my kids having a great time...I am too! Who'da Thunk? :)  I had a great time with my MM tonight and can't wait to schedule more of those moments! What a blessing she is and how thankful I am for her!!


We have been busy with alot of this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

This, of course, does not include homeschooling, church, meetings, and basic home duties! I stay tired-alot. :) 

So, for the WEEK worth of spin-down's...I shall just do one big one on this day. I am really not in the mood to try and recall every though of the last week.

Outside my window: Is a glowing pumpkin that my kids just adore. I love how glittery and sparkly it looks. I love the fall and all of its harvest-ness.

I am thinking: of how busy my next week seems to be. And, how much I have no desire in the world (okay, maybe just a slight bit), to go to my high school reunion this weekend.  Will I regret not going and "What's the worst that could happen?"  I still, at this point, have no desire to go. Oh well, one day and a few prayers later could change my mind.

I am wearing: PJ's

I am remembering: How badly my knee hurts when the weather starts to get cool. OUCH!

I am going: To bed and read!

I am currently reading: The Yada Yada Prayer Group #3

I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.

On my mind: How lovely the silence is after a long day.

Pondering these words:  "I don't want to gain the whole word and lose my soul..."

Praying about: Lifting up two MOPS moms that (1) is in labor now and (1) who will be induced tomorrow.

In the kitchen: Cleanliness..aaaaahhhh. :) Gotta love a clean kitchen. We had BBQ "muffins" tonight. It was an E-mealz meal. But, since (like usual) I burned my muffin pan up, I had to just lay the biscuit dough out and top it with all of the ingredients. It was good, but not very healthy. Oh well.

Around the house: It's semi-clean...and I don't care. :)

One of my favorite things: Is reading the kids' bedtime bible to them and praying with them.

From my camera:

Wednesday, September 29


Outside my window: Not really sure what. I know my nextdoor neighbors pulled in with some boom boom going on-quite annoying. My nightinggale that normally is singing away was probably frightened by the loud booming-ha.
I am thinking: I am exhausted and have a headache.
I am wearing: Old tshirt and shorts-what's new? :)
I am remembering: That I need to make a phonecall in the morning.
I am going:  To our soccer game tomorrow and hopefully no where until then! Sometimes, I get really tired of going.  Chris and the boys are supposed to "camp" in the backyard. Yeah, we shall see how long that lasts.
I am currently reading: Same as the post yesterday. :)
I am hoping:  For world peace. Seriously.
On my mind:  Is this not the same as "I am thinking.."?? 
Pondering these words:
Praying:  For different people, but personally, for compassion and clairity.
In the kitchen:  A rare thing around my house: dishes in the sink.  That is one of my  niches I guess..I cannot stand to wake up to a dirty sink.  But, time slipped away from me before taking the kids to AWANA tonight and I just didn't have time to clean out the dishwasher to put my few dirty bowls in. I also have chili in the crockpot, lefftover from tonight in hopes my beans will soften. I soaked these suckers for over an hour at least...and they were still hard. Dern, beans!
Around the house: I have to say that M's room is rather organized and clean. The kids room-oh my.  Main area's arent too bad. We LIVE here ya know. :)
One of my favorite things: The power of a good worship/praise song. I got on the treadmill tonight while the kids were at AWANA.  I turned on my mp3 thing (that Aime so generously gave to me after refusing to allow me to carry my CD PLAYER to the gym any longer) and really worshiped and praised God. I turned into a normally dreadful (because of the pain in my knee and ankle) time into an awesome 25 minutes with my Lord.  So, singing with my eyes closed and lifting my hands was a bit difficult, but did happen a few times. But for safety (if you know me, you know I probably need to keep my eyes OPEN) I had to worship with my eyes open even though i really wanted to close them. :) :)

From my camera:

Just a piece of clipart I think I used for MOPPETS one time. So, I was just going through my library.  What an awesome price my Savior paid for ME.  For ME (and you).  My I praise Him all my days. Thank you, for loving me my Savior.

Tuesday, September 28th

Today is Tuesday, September 28th:

Outside my window: My two little monkeys (E and N) are climbing in their favorite tree on this BEAUTIFUL day.
I am thinking: about an appointment I have coming up.
I am wearing: Nasty brown capris and a one of my favorite (with a hole in it) tshirts that reads " Occupation: Mother  When is my 15 minute break?" :)
I am remembering: things that I have forgotten to do.
I am going: To our Boy Scout pack meeting tonight.
I am thankful for: My friends.
I am currently reading:  bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group" and "You are what you eat"
I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.
On my mind: My friends A and D.
Pondering these words: .....my past does not define who I am today.....
Praying : for several friends
In the kitchen:  It is clean.  We eat supper rather early (around 4pm) because of C's schedule. We had homemade pizza and carrot sticks tonight.
Around the house:  Nothing got accomplished today but I am enjoying all of the sunlight pouring through the windows. :)
One of my favorite things:  AUTUMN!!!
From my camera:

I am one blessed gal! Thank you and love you, RHM! Miss you and Love you ADK, So proud of you and love you AEW!   These girls are fantastic. :)  I love them.  I need convention again! Shall we have a slumber party girls? (I promise, I won't make you sleep on the floor, Aime...will the couch suffice? Haha.)

Monday, September 27th:

Outside my window:  There is a GLORIOUSLY beautiful day that God has given me the chance to see, yet again.  How amazing that our God created this perfect sync of colors, textures, songs and sights. Wow. I am looking forward to my walk (which WILL HAPPEN) this afternoon.
I am thinking: About Makennah's nap, doing a bit of school with the boys, and the need for vacuuming.
I am wearing: Ha. Red shorts and a red short....GO RED. :)
I am remembering: My grandparents. Seriously, a shout out to all of you young punks that think there is no time in the world for anyone else but yourself. CHERISH THOSE GRANDPARENTS. If you have them, they are truly a blessing.  Spend time talking with them about their childhood and experiences, spend time with the period.  I am thankful for the time that I did have with my grandparents, but oh what I wouldn't do to have them see my children and the mother I have become. :) I am pretty sure they would be proud-and that makes me glad.
I am going: To the Sort and Shop tonight...I am pretty stinkin' excited!!! :)
I am currently reading: Bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group"
I am hoping: for World Peace. Seriously.
On my mind: What ISN'T on my mind.
Pondering these words: "The Father sent His Son to be the Savior of the world." 1John 4:14 
"We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19    All I can ponder is: how amazing is HIS love for us. Wow.
Praying about: A vast array of things.
In the kitchen: Yardsale stuff litters my counter space, supper is dethawing (a casserole) and the sink is clean.
Around the house: Organization is actually coming along...its like Autumn cleaning...instead of spring. :)
One of my favorite things: How Chris and I can just exchange glances sometimes and know exactly what each other is thinking..and most of the time...break out into laughter. :)
From my camera: (scanner this time)

I suppose this is around 1996-97 (judging that I was in my jeans and tshirt ONLY stage-and the bangs). My MawMaw, MeMaw and (great) Uncle Pete have gone to  be with Jesus, but I am so incredibly happy to have had them in my life. :)

Countdown to MOPS Convention: OH MY!!!!!!!

Lately, I have been feeling like my feet are in concrete. You know, like those dreams you have when you're trying to run, but your feet are so heavy you never move? I feel like I am running, but my heart is so heavy that I am constantly staying in one place, never moving forward.

Enter: MOPS Convention 2010  Yep, that is right, I am going to Orlando, FL with nine other amazing women for four days and three nights of comradery, fun, growth, praise, worship and relaxation.  This convention really is God's amazing timing. I NEED this. I feel like my fuel is on empty. I need a great tune up from the greatest physician. I need my tank filled from the #1 powered fuel. My prayer is this convention empowers me as a mother, relaxes my very tired soul, and that God hears our prayers for this time of fellowship and fun and that His presence is felt the entire time.  

Now, anyone that knows me knows I have OCD-like qualities to my personality.  I have been planning for about two weeks on what to wear, pack, etc. I am bringing my own pillow(S) and my own blanket. I have already budgeted my lunch and supper. I have Lysol on my list of "To buy".  I have my jewelry matched to each outfit (okay earrings because the only other thing I wear is my mother's necklace and my wedding rings). (Throwing a rock into my plan of what I was wearing is when the beading on one of my shirts came unraveled..Cato..you will be seeing me for an exchange! I haven't even worn this shirt yet!!!!)  I have what medicine I will be bringing JUST IN CASE for the treatment of: 1.) If I sprain an arm, ankle, etc 2.) Stomach virus (nausea/diarrhea) 3.) Sore throat/cold symptoms 4.) Headache/Mild pain    I also have on my list of "to do": 1.) Wax eyebrows (done)  2.) Color hair  3.)  Pedicure/paint toe nails   I know this all sounds crazy, but I seriously have to write EVERY THING down or I will forget it. I mean, I couldn't believe I have to write down a list of "to-do" for basic upkeep on MYSELF! What is funny, is that when I did a search for the MOPS Convention logo, different photos came up, but one that caught my eye was this: 

Yep, MOPS (or a dust broom..whatever). What really made me think is how mops are used frequently by us mothers. My mop is used for my floor, yes, but often times "it" is used for something far more than just cleaning.    Often times you hear that the mind of a child is like a sponge.  They absorb everything they see, hear and are taught.  Well, I see my mind is that of a mop. I am constantly having to try and gather all of my thoughts and plans that are in a state of chaotic disarray.  When I was younger (much like my sweet Elijah), I remembered EVERYTHING. I remembered every detail. I am sure I probably could put a date and time with the detail as well (especially if it were something that was to my benefit, like a toy. :) )  Now, you pour water on my sponge and it just goes straight through. There is no locking in the moisture (information) with me!  I will forever probably be a slave to my "lists" and be mopping all of my thoughts/lists/plans on to them.

So, that whole mop thing got me a bit side-tracked. :)  I am really thankful for the opportunity to go to convention. I raised all but 15$ that it took to pay for the trip. That was a HUGE weight lifted for me. I really do need this break. My prayer is that this "feet in concrete" feeling that I have will be obliterated by God's mighty workings. I know He has GREAT things planned for this convention. I do need this alone time. I'm not really alone, but I am taking a "vacation" from my "job".  I actually guess I could say I am on a "business trip" since my "business" is motherhood-and that is what convention is ALL ABOUT!!

Four days, three nights without my children or husband. Hmm, I am having mixed emotions about this.  I really am looking forward to getting myself ready a few mornings without Makennah swiping my mascara and trying to "put on may-up" or the always "Mommy, I can't find my _______!!!!!! (fill in blank with ANYTHING two six year old boys can lose or look over) :)  I am so stinkin' excited about the girl time. I am so excited to be rooming with three fantastic women. I am looking forward to all of the inspiration and encouragement I know that will be showered on me.  I am looking forward to getting to know nine other wonderful women. I am SO excited to see what God is going to do in me AND in others mom's hearts! I am so ready for this time of praise and worship. I am so ready for this ME AND GOD time. I.NEED.IT.    Then, I start thinking of my sweet boys. I haven't been away from them but once, when they were about 15 months old, for two nights. I have NEVER been away from M except for her staying overnight with Maw Maw and Paw Paw (and that has only been a handful of times).   I almost have tears just thinking about it. I know I probably will shed a few tears while at convention. I will miss Chris. I trust in God and I know that my sweet babies will be taken care of by my parents and by their Daddy for this time I am away. I think that my Mama has some fun things planned for them and Chris may take them swimming at the pool for probably the last time(s) of this summer. I have a tinge of guilt for taking this trip. I know they will enjoy this time and hopefully won't even miss me much.  I really need to refuel, refocus and re-prioritize.  Really, Because Better Moms......

.....Really DO Make a Better World!!!!

I have a ton of anxiety about the trip and about leaving my family. I've never done this before. It is totally brand new to me. I feel, though, I am taking that giant leap of faith and just going with it. Faith in knowing that my God, my protector, will keep us safe as we travel and are at convention. Faith in knowing not only is God protecting and providing for my children, but they are going to enjoy their one-on-one time with grandparents and their Daddy. Faith in knowing that HE KNOWS how badly I want my load lifted and faith in knowing that He will take care of that load.  I am going with what I know will be a blessed time and I can come home and mop everything back onto my lists and be refreshed for a new school year, a new MOPS year and a new year of mothering.

*Believe it or not, I am NOT taking my computer with me to convention and my phone does not have Internet capabilities. I will be (sort of) technology free for a few days, which is much needed. I will, however, try and blog a bit before I go to convention. Blogging about all this craziness is making me feel much better!!! :)

No Good, Bad Day-Or Was It?

On rare occasions, I feel like I am totally rockin' the cape.....

But most days, I am so tired and it takes me forever to get my thoughts processed enough to know what I am doing that day.

Today, my cape was no where in sight (like most every day) and I was dragging. Not only was I running on little sleep, but I really didn't feel well. Last night, all three of my kids ran fever. Last night, all three of my kids ran fever at different times. It first started with M, then E and lastly N.  Not.A.Fun.Night.For.Mommy.

I am sure most would wonder why in the world I would take the time to blog at almost midnight if I am just SO incredibly tired. Well, fact is, blogging helps me clear my head. This is my form of "letting it out" for the time being. My thoughts have been racing all day, so many things have gone wrong and I have kept my cool.  Now, it is time to let it out, let it go, and move on!

Oh, let's not forget to mention I haven't been to the grocery in forever and we REALLY need some things. Fevers make it kind of hard to go to the grocery store when the only option you have is to take your kids with you. Another reason is that I STILL haven't made my menu plan for this pay period. It has taken me FOUR DAYS and I STILL haven't gotten anything accomplished really.

Menu, you will be defeated tomorrow!!!!!

A little preview of  the many hats that I wear:

Nurse, Mommy

Today has been a very, very lazy day.  With the exception of mealtime (and mealtime cleanup) we have really done nothing. Bummer, because I was really, really looking forward to going to church this morning. I missed last Sunday because I was lazy and the Sunday before I was teaching. This is the third Sunday in a row that I have missed and I really, really can tell. The kids were just as bummed as I was. We also had plans for Little River with AAA after church, but that was canceled as well.  I did get to watch most of the live feed, so that was a highlight.

Today has been one of those days that I have been attacked by the enemy on so many fronts. He knows that I am weak and a a low point and he is taking his swings. Today, has not been my day.

I did get some laundry done this evening. Amazing, when ALL of my clothes are clean aside from just a handful...my close is packed and I have NO ROOM in my drawers! And I thought I didn't have any clothes......

Moving along....:) The kids requested chocolate chip pancakes for supper.  Easy enough...or so I thought.  I have been known to not make really good from scratch pancakes. It isn't that the recipe isn't good..it's the chef. This is why I only buy pre-cooked bacon. I burn bacon..every time.

These pancakes looked fantastic. They were whole wheat (flour) blueberry chocolate chip. I was pretty excited about these.  Well, going along with the nothing has gone right for me today theme, I guess these pancakes decided to follow suite.

This is actually the SECOND cooking pan that I used. The first one I burned, too. My heat wasn't too high, I used enough butter...I have no idea what happened.

I got incredibly frustrated and just threw out the mix and put my pans in the sink. (Which surprisingly are now hanging out in the dishwasher-yes-I at least cleaned the kitchen right.)  I announced to the kids that they would be having cheese grits instead.  They were happy with that. Sweet kids (and husband), they put up with alot of flops in Mommy's cooking.

Needing to get out for a bit, after bath time we ventured to McDonald's and got snack size McFlurries. I am one that stands by the "no milk products with a fever" but they had Ibuprofen in and no fevers at the moment, so I felt after such a crappy, sickly day at least this may brighten the mood a bit...and it did. :) 

They got their last round of Ibuprofen (hopefully until morning) right before bed and tummies were happy, so praise the Lord! 

On days like this, I just want to shout "This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, really bad day!!!!"  But really, even after everything and the fact that it took me hours to upload pictures because my computer restarted :).........I still have to be thankful. Thankful that I have a God that loves me and never gave up on me, not for one second today. Thankful that even on the bad days, He is still there. Even on the bad days, He is still my Savior. Even on the bad days, on the days where I can't even think about loving myself, He loves me. Even on the days that are great and I am wearing my cape with pride or the days that I just want to stay in bed all day and shut out the world, He is with me.  It is really hard to remember that while in the moment of  anger because the pancakes burned, but that is one of many things that I am working on.

Looking back on the days events and being an exhausted nurse mommy...today really, truly wasn't bad at all. In fact, no matter how bad the days get (or how good), I am never alone.

".....And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

Mbug Video: The "!,2,3" and "A,B,C" Song. :)

Mbug singing her 1,2,3's and A,B,C's....

M is now 27 months old. I am at a loss for how quickly time flies by. Looking back, I would be happy to be miserably pregnant with her again just to slow the time down.
Anyway, having two older brothers, she picks up things and learns things fast!  Even though some of her letters are out of place and in spots it is hard to understand what she is really saying, this is the M rendition of  1, 2, 3 and A,B, C's all while eating a cheese stick! ENJOY!! :)

Hot as a Fever

So what does 115 degree heat index and an A/C that stops working equal: One unhappy Mama!!!!!

As if having some crappity crap in my throat/chest wasn't enough...as I was loading the kids into our van after a night with their grandparents, I get a text from C saying that our A/C stopped working (at home). JUST GREAAAAT. So here we are early afternoon on a Sunday. Husband and Daddy couldn't figure out what was wrong with the A/C and within an hour it was already 82 degrees. Thank God, it did rain for a few minutes.

So, I pack up our bags and head BACK to my parents house. Great thing that I did, because that night (after the kids going to bed at 6:45pm from sheer exhaustion-and Mommy made them) M started to run a fever. I am so glad that I didn't decide to stay home. Poor baby, it would have been miserable for her.

So, Monday morning arrives. Even though I am in "my house" (my old house I lived in before I got married for many years) it isn't my "home" anymore. I find this very strange and almost a bit sad. I have SO many incredible memories there, but since I have been gone almost eight years now, it really doesn't feel comfortable to me anymore. I really did miss MY home. I wanted to be home so badly. Mainly because there were SO many things that I could be doing: laundry, laundry, laundry. I don't have to stay right behind the kids at MY house because everything is kid friendly. Oh, lets not forget to mention: MY BED. C and I (after seven years of marriage) FINALLY  broke down and bought a brand new bed. A Select Comfort. :) For a while after we got it I wasn't all that happy..but now, I love it. I love, love, love my bed. I love my side, I love my pillows, I love the way it smells, I. Love. My. Bed. (Oh what shall I do when convention comes up in three weeks and I am away from it for three nights...I will go into withdrawals!!!!)

So anyway, while waiting for the word that C had found someone and our air was indeed working again, the kids played and watched cartoons. I tried to keep my parents house tidy. I tried to do routine stuff, naps, dishes, etc.

The boys enjoyed playing outside with "Little Kitty" (the stray that came up) and in the dirt.  One of M's favorite dolls to play with at my parents is Poor Pitiful Pearl. She is pitiful (looking) alright! :)

The carriage was my grandmothers. I love it. Too bad it wasn't for a human baby, because I so would have rocked it. :)

The stamp on the back of Pearl's head either says 1963 or 1968..I can't remember. :) Either way, Pearl was my Mama's baby doll. My Maw Maw Maddox had her fixed up a bit, because let's face it whether '63 or '68..Pearl was a bit old.

Bad quality photo, I know...but this is what PPP looked like before she got a makeover. :)

Moving along.......

With no diet coke, I needed a pick-me-up after the sleepless night I had.  So what was left of my parents coffee (in the pot of course), I attempted to make my own iced coffee. I put a bit of their creamer, milk, sugar and ice: VIOLA! It was incredibly impressive! I may just have to start making these every morning!!

Around 3pm I finally headed home after getting the word that our A/C was working again. Ugh, Daddy, Husband, A/C guy and too much money later: It was a breaker. He did do some preventative maintenance checks, but still..sheesh.

So I get home and C is in bed because he has to work 12hrs that night....I open my dishwasher hoping that he had remembered to start it like I had asked. He did! I then looked in the bottom to see a pool of yucky water. SERIOUSLY.

Thank you, Lord, for the brains you gave the people that invented the WET/Dry Shop Vac. So, crisis averted, my dishwasher works fine. :)

Backing up a few days............

Friday night I decided I wanted a milkshake. Knowing that Hardee's is just down the road, I figured I would head out since the kids were in bed (and C was at home). "The Enterprise" needs some work done on it, so to avoid driving it and possibly furthering the work that needs to be done on it, I decided to drive "The Man Van".  "The Man Van" is our old mini-van that C now drives to work. :)  So, I was coming home from Hardee's and was at the red light in front of the WCC.  I heard what sounded like something fly off. I didn't really think much of it...until my oil light came on and my heat gauge went from C to almost H. NOT.A.GOOD.SIGN. So, I called C and told him what happened. He, of course, wanted me to pull over right then...well, can't really do that when you are going up a really steep hill. So, luckily, I made it to DCS and pulled over there. God was really looking over me that night. As SOON as I started to turn into the parking lot I lost power steering. I am pretty strong (haha) so I was able to maneuver the man van pretty easily.  I told C I would text our neighbor to see if she was home and if she wouldn't mind coming and sitting (since the kids were asleep) long enough for him to come and get me. She was home! Praise the Lord!!!

While waiting on C I had a lovely, just lovely view:

Under that light on the right were two little shirtless boys and an ice chest. I have no idea what they were doing that close to the highway at almost 10 o'clock at night, but, they entertained me none-the-less.

Knowing that "The Enterprise" would be there to beam me up within ten minutes, I really wasn't all that concerned. Hey, at least I had my MILKSHAKE. :)

So, this weekend has been particularly crazy. I did have a really good time laughing my butt off at Girls Game Night! We only got through one hilarious game and few bottles of wine, but the food was great and so was the conversation. I will leave that for a blog post all its on!!!

Not my kind of makeover....

For some reason, my kids love markers. M, loves them the most. She loves to write....on herself. :)  So when I heard from N, "Mommy, M and I are giving each other a makeover..." I knew I was probably in trouble. 
Here is what I found:

NOT SO "Sweet Emotion"

Last night, I felt a new emotion as a Mommy so fierce, so striking; it almost overwhelmed me. I am choosing not to go into a much detail as I have with cherished friends about this happening here, but more so channel into that "emotion" I had as a MOTHER. 

I am a mother that feels incredibly deep emotional ties to my children.  I now realize that C and I are fighting to maintain the innocense of our children in a world that wants to strip it away all too quickly. This world wants nothing more than to suck us up and spit us out forever damanged by it's effects. I, was one of those unfortunate ones that dealt with the worlds ugly reality. Not only do I pray that my children wear the armor of God, but I pray that I can help effectively coat that armor through my parenting that will build my children up into adults that are in this world and not of it. How tough is our job? The toughest job ever!

While venting to a handful of amazing women, one of my friends A said, "We are there to protect our children...and if that means the lioness comes out...so be it. No one else is gonna do it...."  She is right. No one else will protect our young like we can as parents. My God blessed me with these children and I see it as an honor, a privledge to have a love so deep as the loving of your own children can be. It is my job to protect them until they can protect themselves. As parents, it is OUR JOB to prepare our children for the cruel and scary world that awaits them. It is our job to teach them respect and right from wrong. It is our job to "train them up in the way they should go..."  It is my job to love these children unconditionally. I didn't say like them unconditionally, because, well sometimes that is just impossible! But to love them. Love them despite their faults, despite their failures, despite their accidents, despite their differences. To really love them in the good, the bad, the ugly.  We are to love as God loves us. He loves us despite it all.

I just pray that we can give them that godly foundation that they deserve. I often pray for the tools of parenting that no book can give me. I often pray for guidance in parenting. And I always find myself asking, "Lord, help ME to be a better parent."

I now think that with this "happening" that boiled up such emotion within my mothering soul behind me; I can look into the further with better understand of how to deal with myself when it happens again, and unfortunately, it will happen again.