My Purpose?

Who doesn't go through life searching for what their purpose is?  I don't know many peole that can tell me that they have never thought about what purpose they have here on earth.
I, for one, ponder this question every day.  What is my purpose?  My usual answer is, "Whatever God wants to use me for." Generic, I know, but true.  Another answer I often give is "It's not about me...". 
Rewind a month or so. MOPS did a "Sort and Shop" night at We Care.  I LOVE buying books. If I could design an office/den area of my dream home, it would be floor to ceiling book shelves stuffed with the unusually delightful smell of bound pages! Moving along, I bought "The Purpose Driven Life" for probably less than 99 cents that night. It has been sitting on my bookshelf staring at me since that night.  While in a bookstore on vacation in September, I had a little lady go into great detail how "The Purpose Driven Life" really helped her. Hmm...:)
Skip to now. I have cracked open TPDL and have started on Day 1. To be quite honest, one of the reasons I never started is because I am horrible about finishing things I start. I get halfway done with something and just say (pardon) "SCREW IT".  My prayer is that I can start and finish this. I've never finished any "study", "guide" or the like-ever. I've dropped out of two Beth Moore bible studies (GASP-I know), and I am just SCREAMING inside "WHAT AM I DOING HERE? HELP ME GOD, HELP ME."
Over the summer I had a very clear, defining, healing moment in my life and Praise God for that! I know exactly how awesomely GREEN AND CLEAN the grass is on the other side! Right now, I am working through some very, very tough spots in my past. I have some things that just bring me to my knees at the the thought of thinking about it. God is using some amazing people to encourage me, to listen to me, and help me along the way.  I am floored at how God brings people into and out of our lives to help us through our journey. I know it won't be easy (and I know the enemy is on attack) but I have no doubt that it WILL.BE.WORTH.IT.  Ultimately, to have that space in my soul clear for God to mold and shape into what He has planned out for me is why I am on this journey to begin with.

" Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." Colossians 1:16b (The Message)

"For by Him all things were breated: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; ALL THINGS WERE CREATED BY HIM AND FOR HIM." Colossians 1:16 (NIV)

".......everything was created through Him and for Him." Colossians 1:16 (NLT)

I don't plan on blogging through every step of my journey-I don't really have time for that. I will update when I feel like it.

My hope is here: " We can turn to what God has revealed about life in his Word.  The easiest way to discover the purpose of an invention is to ask the creator of it.  The same is true for discovering your life's purpose: Ask God." -Rick Warren, TPDL

Let the journey toward the light begin....

October 6th-wow!

So. I just now realize that my last post was September 29th-a week ago. Hmm, i've just been really busy. I had every intention of blogging at some point, but I guess my POINT is now. :) 

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow so much. I DO NOT have to leave my house unless I really want to.  Then, of course, I am thinking of something that I will probably have to leave for...but  not a biggie. Tonight was our AWANA night. The kids, yes all three of them, go to AWANA for a glorious hour and a half.  They all seem to really enjoy it and we use their story and memory verse as our "bible" for school. :) I just hit on each key thing and help them with memorization. What I didn't realize is the perks that this guaranteed hour and a half would have. (Man, how glad I am they talked me into enrolling M!) 
  So far, I have: been to dirt cheap and chinese with a bf, met for milkshakes and girltalk with another bf, spent time on the treadmill exercise, praying and praising, met with my MM for girltalk and spent time with my husband when is off on that particular Wednesday. So, not only do I know my kids having a great time...I am too! Who'da Thunk? :)  I had a great time with my MM tonight and can't wait to schedule more of those moments! What a blessing she is and how thankful I am for her!!


We have been busy with alot of this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

This, of course, does not include homeschooling, church, meetings, and basic home duties! I stay tired-alot. :) 

So, for the WEEK worth of spin-down's...I shall just do one big one on this day. I am really not in the mood to try and recall every though of the last week.

Outside my window: Is a glowing pumpkin that my kids just adore. I love how glittery and sparkly it looks. I love the fall and all of its harvest-ness.

I am thinking: of how busy my next week seems to be. And, how much I have no desire in the world (okay, maybe just a slight bit), to go to my high school reunion this weekend.  Will I regret not going and "What's the worst that could happen?"  I still, at this point, have no desire to go. Oh well, one day and a few prayers later could change my mind.

I am wearing: PJ's

I am remembering: How badly my knee hurts when the weather starts to get cool. OUCH!

I am going: To bed and read!

I am currently reading: The Yada Yada Prayer Group #3

I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.

On my mind: How lovely the silence is after a long day.

Pondering these words:  "I don't want to gain the whole word and lose my soul..."

Praying about: Lifting up two MOPS moms that (1) is in labor now and (1) who will be induced tomorrow.

In the kitchen: Cleanliness..aaaaahhhh. :) Gotta love a clean kitchen. We had BBQ "muffins" tonight. It was an E-mealz meal. But, since (like usual) I burned my muffin pan up, I had to just lay the biscuit dough out and top it with all of the ingredients. It was good, but not very healthy. Oh well.

Around the house: It's semi-clean...and I don't care. :)

One of my favorite things: Is reading the kids' bedtime bible to them and praying with them.

From my camera:

Wednesday, September 29


Outside my window: Not really sure what. I know my nextdoor neighbors pulled in with some boom boom going on-quite annoying. My nightinggale that normally is singing away was probably frightened by the loud booming-ha.
I am thinking: I am exhausted and have a headache.
I am wearing: Old tshirt and shorts-what's new? :)
I am remembering: That I need to make a phonecall in the morning.
I am going:  To our soccer game tomorrow and hopefully no where until then! Sometimes, I get really tired of going.  Chris and the boys are supposed to "camp" in the backyard. Yeah, we shall see how long that lasts.
I am currently reading: Same as the post yesterday. :)
I am hoping:  For world peace. Seriously.
On my mind:  Is this not the same as "I am thinking.."?? 
Pondering these words:
Praying:  For different people, but personally, for compassion and clairity.
In the kitchen:  A rare thing around my house: dishes in the sink.  That is one of my  niches I guess..I cannot stand to wake up to a dirty sink.  But, time slipped away from me before taking the kids to AWANA tonight and I just didn't have time to clean out the dishwasher to put my few dirty bowls in. I also have chili in the crockpot, lefftover from tonight in hopes my beans will soften. I soaked these suckers for over an hour at least...and they were still hard. Dern, beans!
Around the house: I have to say that M's room is rather organized and clean. The kids room-oh my.  Main area's arent too bad. We LIVE here ya know. :)
One of my favorite things: The power of a good worship/praise song. I got on the treadmill tonight while the kids were at AWANA.  I turned on my mp3 thing (that Aime so generously gave to me after refusing to allow me to carry my CD PLAYER to the gym any longer) and really worshiped and praised God. I turned into a normally dreadful (because of the pain in my knee and ankle) time into an awesome 25 minutes with my Lord.  So, singing with my eyes closed and lifting my hands was a bit difficult, but did happen a few times. But for safety (if you know me, you know I probably need to keep my eyes OPEN) I had to worship with my eyes open even though i really wanted to close them. :) :)

From my camera:

Just a piece of clipart I think I used for MOPPETS one time. So, I was just going through my library.  What an awesome price my Savior paid for ME.  For ME (and you).  My I praise Him all my days. Thank you, for loving me my Savior.

Tuesday, September 28th

Today is Tuesday, September 28th:

Outside my window: My two little monkeys (E and N) are climbing in their favorite tree on this BEAUTIFUL day.
I am thinking: about an appointment I have coming up.
I am wearing: Nasty brown capris and a one of my favorite (with a hole in it) tshirts that reads " Occupation: Mother  When is my 15 minute break?" :)
I am remembering: things that I have forgotten to do.
I am going: To our Boy Scout pack meeting tonight.
I am thankful for: My friends.
I am currently reading:  bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group" and "You are what you eat"
I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.
On my mind: My friends A and D.
Pondering these words: .....my past does not define who I am today.....
Praying : for several friends
In the kitchen:  It is clean.  We eat supper rather early (around 4pm) because of C's schedule. We had homemade pizza and carrot sticks tonight.
Around the house:  Nothing got accomplished today but I am enjoying all of the sunlight pouring through the windows. :)
One of my favorite things:  AUTUMN!!!
From my camera:

I am one blessed gal! Thank you and love you, RHM! Miss you and Love you ADK, So proud of you and love you AEW!   These girls are fantastic. :)  I love them.  I need convention again! Shall we have a slumber party girls? (I promise, I won't make you sleep on the floor, Aime...will the couch suffice? Haha.)

Monday, September 27th:

Outside my window:  There is a GLORIOUSLY beautiful day that God has given me the chance to see, yet again.  How amazing that our God created this perfect sync of colors, textures, songs and sights. Wow. I am looking forward to my walk (which WILL HAPPEN) this afternoon.
I am thinking: About Makennah's nap, doing a bit of school with the boys, and the need for vacuuming.
I am wearing: Ha. Red shorts and a red short....GO RED. :)
I am remembering: My grandparents. Seriously, a shout out to all of you young punks that think there is no time in the world for anyone else but yourself. CHERISH THOSE GRANDPARENTS. If you have them, they are truly a blessing.  Spend time talking with them about their childhood and experiences, spend time with the period.  I am thankful for the time that I did have with my grandparents, but oh what I wouldn't do to have them see my children and the mother I have become. :) I am pretty sure they would be proud-and that makes me glad.
I am going: To the Sort and Shop tonight...I am pretty stinkin' excited!!! :)
I am currently reading: Bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group"
I am hoping: for World Peace. Seriously.
On my mind: What ISN'T on my mind.
Pondering these words: "The Father sent His Son to be the Savior of the world." 1John 4:14 
"We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19    All I can ponder is: how amazing is HIS love for us. Wow.
Praying about: A vast array of things.
In the kitchen: Yardsale stuff litters my counter space, supper is dethawing (a casserole) and the sink is clean.
Around the house: Organization is actually coming along...its like Autumn cleaning...instead of spring. :)
One of my favorite things: How Chris and I can just exchange glances sometimes and know exactly what each other is thinking..and most of the time...break out into laughter. :)
From my camera: (scanner this time)

I suppose this is around 1996-97 (judging that I was in my jeans and tshirt ONLY stage-and the bangs). My MawMaw, MeMaw and (great) Uncle Pete have gone to  be with Jesus, but I am so incredibly happy to have had them in my life. :)

Favorite Music: One Of These Days

This is an older song that I have loved for quite some time. :) It just confirmed that One of these days...I will see my Savior. And, THAT, will be one amazing, awesomely fabulous day!!!!!! 

FFH: "One of these Days" (live)

Music Favorites: Beautiful, Beautiful

This song has been a favorite of mine for some time. A part in the lyrics "sunlight burning at midnight"...wow...Jesus really is the light in my dark.  He has brought me through so many deep, dark, horrible times. ( And continues to do so...) He is truly the shining light in my life. Even in the dark days, I know that my Jesus is the only light I need to help me through.

Francesca Battistelli (singing live) "Beautiful Beautiful"

Music Favorites: More Like Falling in Love

This is another one of my favorite songs. How amazingly accurate of how I feel.  It is totally about losing my heart to Jesus.  It's not about "religion". .... It is finding that love in Jesus that brings about real change. 

Below is the video of Jason Gray singing live his song "More Like Falling in Love".  I really recommend listening to this song...every word...every single word.

MOPS International Convention-in pictures. :)

MOPS INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION
August 5-8 2010

 

Taking pictures while waiting on general session to start and Christie and I re=enacting the famous "Chris-TIE" moment from she and Michelle's childhood. BAHAHA. :)

Our hotel was amazingly beautiful!

Dinner's out and fun times with amazing women......

Love her and miss her alot!!! :)

Rainforest Cafe...awesome place! (My food was incredible as well!!!)

One of my sweetest, dearest friends!!!

This picture brings incredible joy to my soul.  I laugh so hard! This is exactly how our room (we all roomed together) dynamic was! Love them!!!!!!

Michelle: "Kristina, give the frog a high five."  Me: "Okay, and i'll give his foot a tickle as well." Ha!

Downtown Disney with some Pirates and a Lego Toy Story.

The plant was attacking me...seriously. :)   My secret sister Michelle and I. Love her!

We met Mandisa......

YYep, we totally met Mandisa (and her band).  Ashley got her journal signed and we got pictures with her. :) So cool!!!  One of her band members asked what MOPS was...so Janalyn (see pics above) took the opportunity to tell them all about this wonderful ministry!!!! Fun times!

FREE

This trip was incredibly life changing for me. God totally used the amazing encouragement and support of the women I was with in leading me to feel comfortable enough (and OBEDIENT) to LET GO. Praise Him, for He is good!!! 

I cannot wait for next years convention! I am already planning!!! :)

My Disclaimer

It has been quite some time since my last post. In fact, it was about my traveling to Orlando, Florida for the annual MOPS International Convention. What a fabulous time I had! God totally met me there and the experience I had totally exceeding my expectations! To top it off, I had nine other amazing supporters there. Amazing. No other girls would I want to have spent my weekend with than these:

More on convention when I have time to post a TON of pictures and am in the mood to blog all of the wonderful things that happened!

So, moving on, my DISCLAIMER:  Since coming home from convention. Things have been drastically different for me.  I am looking through clearer eyes and am really seeking out to serve and honor God in all ways in my life.   Also, I just haven't "felt" like blogging, though I enjoy it immensly. I am striving to focus in other areas of my life.  This is a hobby, something I enjoy, but something that needs to be way down on my list of priorities. So, with that, I will not "post" near as often as I was.  I still love trying new foods and taking pictures of them, I still love to express myself in this way, I still want to blog-but there just wont be as many posts in a day or a week and so forth. Blogging is not my life. In an effort to keep my need to "let some things out" (in a blog friendly way of course-some things just have to be "let out" with trusted girlfriends who pretend to be peeping toms and girfriends who invite the peeping tom in for brownies-love them, haha.) I will try and sit down once or twice a week to keep the back up from taking too much space in my brain!

That is my disclaimer, and I am sticking to it. ~Queen of Disclaimers

Countdown to MOPS Convention: OH MY!!!!!!!

Lately, I have been feeling like my feet are in concrete. You know, like those dreams you have when you're trying to run, but your feet are so heavy you never move? I feel like I am running, but my heart is so heavy that I am constantly staying in one place, never moving forward.

Enter: MOPS Convention 2010  Yep, that is right, I am going to Orlando, FL with nine other amazing women for four days and three nights of comradery, fun, growth, praise, worship and relaxation.  This convention really is God's amazing timing. I NEED this. I feel like my fuel is on empty. I need a great tune up from the greatest physician. I need my tank filled from the #1 powered fuel. My prayer is this convention empowers me as a mother, relaxes my very tired soul, and that God hears our prayers for this time of fellowship and fun and that His presence is felt the entire time.  

Now, anyone that knows me knows I have OCD-like qualities to my personality.  I have been planning for about two weeks on what to wear, pack, etc. I am bringing my own pillow(S) and my own blanket. I have already budgeted my lunch and supper. I have Lysol on my list of "To buy".  I have my jewelry matched to each outfit (okay earrings because the only other thing I wear is my mother's necklace and my wedding rings). (Throwing a rock into my plan of what I was wearing is when the beading on one of my shirts came unraveled..Cato..you will be seeing me for an exchange! I haven't even worn this shirt yet!!!!)  I have what medicine I will be bringing JUST IN CASE for the treatment of: 1.) If I sprain an arm, ankle, etc 2.) Stomach virus (nausea/diarrhea) 3.) Sore throat/cold symptoms 4.) Headache/Mild pain    I also have on my list of "to do": 1.) Wax eyebrows (done)  2.) Color hair  3.)  Pedicure/paint toe nails   I know this all sounds crazy, but I seriously have to write EVERY THING down or I will forget it. I mean, I couldn't believe I have to write down a list of "to-do" for basic upkeep on MYSELF! What is funny, is that when I did a search for the MOPS Convention logo, different photos came up, but one that caught my eye was this: 

Yep, MOPS (or a dust broom..whatever). What really made me think is how mops are used frequently by us mothers. My mop is used for my floor, yes, but often times "it" is used for something far more than just cleaning.    Often times you hear that the mind of a child is like a sponge.  They absorb everything they see, hear and are taught.  Well, I see my mind is that of a mop. I am constantly having to try and gather all of my thoughts and plans that are in a state of chaotic disarray.  When I was younger (much like my sweet Elijah), I remembered EVERYTHING. I remembered every detail. I am sure I probably could put a date and time with the detail as well (especially if it were something that was to my benefit, like a toy. :) )  Now, you pour water on my sponge and it just goes straight through. There is no locking in the moisture (information) with me!  I will forever probably be a slave to my "lists" and be mopping all of my thoughts/lists/plans on to them.

So, that whole mop thing got me a bit side-tracked. :)  I am really thankful for the opportunity to go to convention. I raised all but 15$ that it took to pay for the trip. That was a HUGE weight lifted for me. I really do need this break. My prayer is that this "feet in concrete" feeling that I have will be obliterated by God's mighty workings. I know He has GREAT things planned for this convention. I do need this alone time. I'm not really alone, but I am taking a "vacation" from my "job".  I actually guess I could say I am on a "business trip" since my "business" is motherhood-and that is what convention is ALL ABOUT!!

Four days, three nights without my children or husband. Hmm, I am having mixed emotions about this.  I really am looking forward to getting myself ready a few mornings without Makennah swiping my mascara and trying to "put on may-up" or the always "Mommy, I can't find my _______!!!!!! (fill in blank with ANYTHING two six year old boys can lose or look over) :)  I am so stinkin' excited about the girl time. I am so excited to be rooming with three fantastic women. I am looking forward to all of the inspiration and encouragement I know that will be showered on me.  I am looking forward to getting to know nine other wonderful women. I am SO excited to see what God is going to do in me AND in others mom's hearts! I am so ready for this time of praise and worship. I am so ready for this ME AND GOD time. I.NEED.IT.    Then, I start thinking of my sweet boys. I haven't been away from them but once, when they were about 15 months old, for two nights. I have NEVER been away from M except for her staying overnight with Maw Maw and Paw Paw (and that has only been a handful of times).   I almost have tears just thinking about it. I know I probably will shed a few tears while at convention. I will miss Chris. I trust in God and I know that my sweet babies will be taken care of by my parents and by their Daddy for this time I am away. I think that my Mama has some fun things planned for them and Chris may take them swimming at the pool for probably the last time(s) of this summer. I have a tinge of guilt for taking this trip. I know they will enjoy this time and hopefully won't even miss me much.  I really need to refuel, refocus and re-prioritize.  Really, Because Better Moms......

.....Really DO Make a Better World!!!!

I have a ton of anxiety about the trip and about leaving my family. I've never done this before. It is totally brand new to me. I feel, though, I am taking that giant leap of faith and just going with it. Faith in knowing that my God, my protector, will keep us safe as we travel and are at convention. Faith in knowing not only is God protecting and providing for my children, but they are going to enjoy their one-on-one time with grandparents and their Daddy. Faith in knowing that HE KNOWS how badly I want my load lifted and faith in knowing that He will take care of that load.  I am going with what I know will be a blessed time and I can come home and mop everything back onto my lists and be refreshed for a new school year, a new MOPS year and a new year of mothering.

*Believe it or not, I am NOT taking my computer with me to convention and my phone does not have Internet capabilities. I will be (sort of) technology free for a few days, which is much needed. I will, however, try and blog a bit before I go to convention. Blogging about all this craziness is making me feel much better!!! :)

Going through the motions

Have you ever been so deep in though while driving that you couldn't remember how you got to where you were?

Just tonight I did exactly that. I was driving the kids home from VBS. The kids were quiet because they were tired (believe it or not) and I was DEEP in thought. I forgot what I was thinking about now, but I remember turning on my blinker to cross the highway. Then, Elijah asked me, "Mommy, have we passed that chicken place yet?" For those of you that know this town, you know how far it is from "the chicken place" on my way home to the turn I have to make to cross the highway. That is a pretty good clip. I DO NOT remember any of that part of the drive.

This totally frightens me. Then, I got to thinking even further (don't worry, my thinking is happening at home this time, not driving my precious little ones)....is this how I live my life? Do I just drive down the highway of life so deep in my own self that I do not realize what is going on around me? Sometimes, I think so. Other times, I like to think, that I am keenly aware of others and what is going on around me.

This past Sunday morning, I prayed asking God to "Show me what I need to do..." regarding some things I have really been struggling with. I always can relate in some way to every message  my pastor gives, but this one struck me really hard. God totally was saying, "THIS is what you need to do."  He couldn't have been more clear. Now, I just need to put into action a plan. I need to start dealing with this and healing so that I can no longer just "Go through the motions"  of life and drift in and out, but actually live. Live without guilt, shame, sadness and hatred regarding these things and just-let go. This affects me so deeply, so personally that it then directly affects my marriage, my parenting, my ability to be a friend and so on.

So, one step at a time, as I am a W-I-P. :)

One of my very favorite songs by Matthew West goes like this: 

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Wow. It is like he totally wrote that song from the deep place in my soul that I shout and scream, "I don't want to just go through the motions!"  The scary part is, "What if I do actually give everything?"  Right? I am always so worried that I may fail, or what may be on the other side of the healing. N o longer will have the heavy heart weighing me down from such mess. Scary, yet exhilarating!

So, I must do what God has told me to do. I knew it already, and I knew He would tell me exactly what he had been "whispering" all along.  Sometimes, it is so hard to just be silent, listen and obey.

To gain the freedom that I know will come with healing will be amazing. I am scared to death. I know that going through this will open my relationship up with God to a totally new level; and I need that. I thirst for that. I want THAT more than anything. I want that "next level" with my Lord and Savior.

It's going to be one heck of a ride, but I am so ready to see whats on the other side.