My Purpose?

Who doesn't go through life searching for what their purpose is?  I don't know many peole that can tell me that they have never thought about what purpose they have here on earth.
I, for one, ponder this question every day.  What is my purpose?  My usual answer is, "Whatever God wants to use me for." Generic, I know, but true.  Another answer I often give is "It's not about me...". 
Rewind a month or so. MOPS did a "Sort and Shop" night at We Care.  I LOVE buying books. If I could design an office/den area of my dream home, it would be floor to ceiling book shelves stuffed with the unusually delightful smell of bound pages! Moving along, I bought "The Purpose Driven Life" for probably less than 99 cents that night. It has been sitting on my bookshelf staring at me since that night.  While in a bookstore on vacation in September, I had a little lady go into great detail how "The Purpose Driven Life" really helped her. Hmm...:)
Skip to now. I have cracked open TPDL and have started on Day 1. To be quite honest, one of the reasons I never started is because I am horrible about finishing things I start. I get halfway done with something and just say (pardon) "SCREW IT".  My prayer is that I can start and finish this. I've never finished any "study", "guide" or the like-ever. I've dropped out of two Beth Moore bible studies (GASP-I know), and I am just SCREAMING inside "WHAT AM I DOING HERE? HELP ME GOD, HELP ME."
Over the summer I had a very clear, defining, healing moment in my life and Praise God for that! I know exactly how awesomely GREEN AND CLEAN the grass is on the other side! Right now, I am working through some very, very tough spots in my past. I have some things that just bring me to my knees at the the thought of thinking about it. God is using some amazing people to encourage me, to listen to me, and help me along the way.  I am floored at how God brings people into and out of our lives to help us through our journey. I know it won't be easy (and I know the enemy is on attack) but I have no doubt that it WILL.BE.WORTH.IT.  Ultimately, to have that space in my soul clear for God to mold and shape into what He has planned out for me is why I am on this journey to begin with.

" Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." Colossians 1:16b (The Message)

"For by Him all things were breated: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; ALL THINGS WERE CREATED BY HIM AND FOR HIM." Colossians 1:16 (NIV)

".......everything was created through Him and for Him." Colossians 1:16 (NLT)

I don't plan on blogging through every step of my journey-I don't really have time for that. I will update when I feel like it.

My hope is here: " We can turn to what God has revealed about life in his Word.  The easiest way to discover the purpose of an invention is to ask the creator of it.  The same is true for discovering your life's purpose: Ask God." -Rick Warren, TPDL

Let the journey toward the light begin....

October 6th-wow!

So. I just now realize that my last post was September 29th-a week ago. Hmm, i've just been really busy. I had every intention of blogging at some point, but I guess my POINT is now. :) 

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow so much. I DO NOT have to leave my house unless I really want to.  Then, of course, I am thinking of something that I will probably have to leave for...but  not a biggie. Tonight was our AWANA night. The kids, yes all three of them, go to AWANA for a glorious hour and a half.  They all seem to really enjoy it and we use their story and memory verse as our "bible" for school. :) I just hit on each key thing and help them with memorization. What I didn't realize is the perks that this guaranteed hour and a half would have. (Man, how glad I am they talked me into enrolling M!) 
  So far, I have: been to dirt cheap and chinese with a bf, met for milkshakes and girltalk with another bf, spent time on the treadmill exercise, praying and praising, met with my MM for girltalk and spent time with my husband when is off on that particular Wednesday. So, not only do I know my kids having a great time...I am too! Who'da Thunk? :)  I had a great time with my MM tonight and can't wait to schedule more of those moments! What a blessing she is and how thankful I am for her!!


We have been busy with alot of this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

This, of course, does not include homeschooling, church, meetings, and basic home duties! I stay tired-alot. :) 

So, for the WEEK worth of spin-down's...I shall just do one big one on this day. I am really not in the mood to try and recall every though of the last week.

Outside my window: Is a glowing pumpkin that my kids just adore. I love how glittery and sparkly it looks. I love the fall and all of its harvest-ness.

I am thinking: of how busy my next week seems to be. And, how much I have no desire in the world (okay, maybe just a slight bit), to go to my high school reunion this weekend.  Will I regret not going and "What's the worst that could happen?"  I still, at this point, have no desire to go. Oh well, one day and a few prayers later could change my mind.

I am wearing: PJ's

I am remembering: How badly my knee hurts when the weather starts to get cool. OUCH!

I am going: To bed and read!

I am currently reading: The Yada Yada Prayer Group #3

I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.

On my mind: How lovely the silence is after a long day.

Pondering these words:  "I don't want to gain the whole word and lose my soul..."

Praying about: Lifting up two MOPS moms that (1) is in labor now and (1) who will be induced tomorrow.

In the kitchen: Cleanliness..aaaaahhhh. :) Gotta love a clean kitchen. We had BBQ "muffins" tonight. It was an E-mealz meal. But, since (like usual) I burned my muffin pan up, I had to just lay the biscuit dough out and top it with all of the ingredients. It was good, but not very healthy. Oh well.

Around the house: It's semi-clean...and I don't care. :)

One of my favorite things: Is reading the kids' bedtime bible to them and praying with them.

From my camera:

Wednesday, September 29


Outside my window: Not really sure what. I know my nextdoor neighbors pulled in with some boom boom going on-quite annoying. My nightinggale that normally is singing away was probably frightened by the loud booming-ha.
I am thinking: I am exhausted and have a headache.
I am wearing: Old tshirt and shorts-what's new? :)
I am remembering: That I need to make a phonecall in the morning.
I am going:  To our soccer game tomorrow and hopefully no where until then! Sometimes, I get really tired of going.  Chris and the boys are supposed to "camp" in the backyard. Yeah, we shall see how long that lasts.
I am currently reading: Same as the post yesterday. :)
I am hoping:  For world peace. Seriously.
On my mind:  Is this not the same as "I am thinking.."?? 
Pondering these words:
Praying:  For different people, but personally, for compassion and clairity.
In the kitchen:  A rare thing around my house: dishes in the sink.  That is one of my  niches I guess..I cannot stand to wake up to a dirty sink.  But, time slipped away from me before taking the kids to AWANA tonight and I just didn't have time to clean out the dishwasher to put my few dirty bowls in. I also have chili in the crockpot, lefftover from tonight in hopes my beans will soften. I soaked these suckers for over an hour at least...and they were still hard. Dern, beans!
Around the house: I have to say that M's room is rather organized and clean. The kids room-oh my.  Main area's arent too bad. We LIVE here ya know. :)
One of my favorite things: The power of a good worship/praise song. I got on the treadmill tonight while the kids were at AWANA.  I turned on my mp3 thing (that Aime so generously gave to me after refusing to allow me to carry my CD PLAYER to the gym any longer) and really worshiped and praised God. I turned into a normally dreadful (because of the pain in my knee and ankle) time into an awesome 25 minutes with my Lord.  So, singing with my eyes closed and lifting my hands was a bit difficult, but did happen a few times. But for safety (if you know me, you know I probably need to keep my eyes OPEN) I had to worship with my eyes open even though i really wanted to close them. :) :)

From my camera:

Just a piece of clipart I think I used for MOPPETS one time. So, I was just going through my library.  What an awesome price my Savior paid for ME.  For ME (and you).  My I praise Him all my days. Thank you, for loving me my Savior.

Tuesday, September 28th

Today is Tuesday, September 28th:

Outside my window: My two little monkeys (E and N) are climbing in their favorite tree on this BEAUTIFUL day.
I am thinking: about an appointment I have coming up.
I am wearing: Nasty brown capris and a one of my favorite (with a hole in it) tshirts that reads " Occupation: Mother  When is my 15 minute break?" :)
I am remembering: things that I have forgotten to do.
I am going: To our Boy Scout pack meeting tonight.
I am thankful for: My friends.
I am currently reading:  bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group" and "You are what you eat"
I am hoping: for world peace. Seriously.
On my mind: My friends A and D.
Pondering these words: .....my past does not define who I am today.....
Praying : for several friends
In the kitchen:  It is clean.  We eat supper rather early (around 4pm) because of C's schedule. We had homemade pizza and carrot sticks tonight.
Around the house:  Nothing got accomplished today but I am enjoying all of the sunlight pouring through the windows. :)
One of my favorite things:  AUTUMN!!!
From my camera:

I am one blessed gal! Thank you and love you, RHM! Miss you and Love you ADK, So proud of you and love you AEW!   These girls are fantastic. :)  I love them.  I need convention again! Shall we have a slumber party girls? (I promise, I won't make you sleep on the floor, Aime...will the couch suffice? Haha.)

Monday, September 27th:

Outside my window:  There is a GLORIOUSLY beautiful day that God has given me the chance to see, yet again.  How amazing that our God created this perfect sync of colors, textures, songs and sights. Wow. I am looking forward to my walk (which WILL HAPPEN) this afternoon.
I am thinking: About Makennah's nap, doing a bit of school with the boys, and the need for vacuuming.
I am wearing: Ha. Red shorts and a red short....GO RED. :)
I am remembering: My grandparents. Seriously, a shout out to all of you young punks that think there is no time in the world for anyone else but yourself. CHERISH THOSE GRANDPARENTS. If you have them, they are truly a blessing.  Spend time talking with them about their childhood and experiences, spend time with the period.  I am thankful for the time that I did have with my grandparents, but oh what I wouldn't do to have them see my children and the mother I have become. :) I am pretty sure they would be proud-and that makes me glad.
I am going: To the Sort and Shop tonight...I am pretty stinkin' excited!!! :)
I am currently reading: Bible, "The Yada Yada Prayer Group"
I am hoping: for World Peace. Seriously.
On my mind: What ISN'T on my mind.
Pondering these words: "The Father sent His Son to be the Savior of the world." 1John 4:14 
"We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19    All I can ponder is: how amazing is HIS love for us. Wow.
Praying about: A vast array of things.
In the kitchen: Yardsale stuff litters my counter space, supper is dethawing (a casserole) and the sink is clean.
Around the house: Organization is actually coming along...its like Autumn cleaning...instead of spring. :)
One of my favorite things: How Chris and I can just exchange glances sometimes and know exactly what each other is thinking..and most of the time...break out into laughter. :)
From my camera: (scanner this time)

I suppose this is around 1996-97 (judging that I was in my jeans and tshirt ONLY stage-and the bangs). My MawMaw, MeMaw and (great) Uncle Pete have gone to  be with Jesus, but I am so incredibly happy to have had them in my life. :)

Sunday, September 26th

I don't follow many blogs.  Mostly, the ones that I do follow, I will just find something interesting on  blogs that they follow and read those, etc, etc. :)
I am not quite sure what the writer of: The Simple Woman's Daybook is all about, but it did inspire a blog.  So, with that-thanks Simple Woman!

Today is Sunday, September 26th 2010:

Outside my window:  I see my big, red van in need of a washing. Also, the weather is quite dreary which isn't good for a girl that wants to go for a walk. But, I guess the much needed rain never melted anyone either, so what's my excuse?
I am thinking: That I need to go change Makennah's diaper.........now...that smell is in the trash. :) Moving along....I am thinking of how blessed I am to have the friends I have. I had lunch with one of my closest and dearest today..oh how I love her! I am thinking...of how incredibly forgiving and loving God is. Love...so amazing.
I am wearing: Ha. A blue tshirt and exercise capri's..no shoes-of course.
I am remembering: That I need to clean out my closet for the yardsale next weekend. Today really is my last chance.
I am going: to really enjoy myself at tommorrow's Sort and Shop! :)
I am currently reading: I am not reading anything right now. Well, I am reading the bible and using my Life Application Study Bible...but I  will start (probably today) reading "The Yada Yada Prayer Group".
I am hoping: for word peace. Seriously.
On my mind: What isn't on my mind? Um, I need to make a schedule for school this week, menu plan for the next payday, and get myself together for what this week's schedule (activities ) are going to be.
Noticing that: My E is really, really growing up.
Pondering these words:  Really, just all of the book of James.  My Life Application Study Bible describes the PURPOSE of the book of James as: To expose hypocritical practices and to teach right Christian behavior. 
Praying about: A vast array of things.
Around the house: Yard sale stuff is everywhere. Makennah's room is so nice and tidy, though. :)
In the kitchen: Tonight for supper, we are having hotdogs. Fun times. :) Haha!
One of my favorite things: My kids laughter and worship on Sunday mornings.

From my camera:

Recently, I celebrated my birthday. I am seriously overwhelmed with all of the wishes, calls, cards, gifts and surprises. :) I am so blessed to have incredible family and friends!

Favorite Music: One Of These Days

This is an older song that I have loved for quite some time. :) It just confirmed that One of these days...I will see my Savior. And, THAT, will be one amazing, awesomely fabulous day!!!!!! 

FFH: "One of these Days" (live)

Music Favorites: Beautiful, Beautiful

This song has been a favorite of mine for some time. A part in the lyrics "sunlight burning at midnight"...wow...Jesus really is the light in my dark.  He has brought me through so many deep, dark, horrible times. ( And continues to do so...) He is truly the shining light in my life. Even in the dark days, I know that my Jesus is the only light I need to help me through.

Francesca Battistelli (singing live) "Beautiful Beautiful"

Music Favorites: Walk on Water

I love this song.  It is called "Walk on Water" by Britt Nicole.  This song really describes some of my days.  And really, what I am waiting for? I have nothing to lose! HE WILL NOT LET ME GO.

Here are the lyrics and the video is at the bottom of this post:

You look around and staring back at you

Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under, you wonder, What if I’m overtaken, What if I never make it, What if no one’s there, will You hear my prayer

When you take that first step into the unknown,You know that He won't let you go....

So what are you waiting for, what do you have to lose
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you’re made for more so don’t be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too


So get out and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don’t wait
And don’t you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you’re not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown, He won't let you go....


Step out, even when it’s storming
Step out, even when you’re broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you, telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can’t see where you’re going

You don’t have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for............

Britt Nicole-Top Christian Lyrics

Countdown to MOPS Convention: OH MY!!!!!!!

Lately, I have been feeling like my feet are in concrete. You know, like those dreams you have when you're trying to run, but your feet are so heavy you never move? I feel like I am running, but my heart is so heavy that I am constantly staying in one place, never moving forward.

Enter: MOPS Convention 2010  Yep, that is right, I am going to Orlando, FL with nine other amazing women for four days and three nights of comradery, fun, growth, praise, worship and relaxation.  This convention really is God's amazing timing. I NEED this. I feel like my fuel is on empty. I need a great tune up from the greatest physician. I need my tank filled from the #1 powered fuel. My prayer is this convention empowers me as a mother, relaxes my very tired soul, and that God hears our prayers for this time of fellowship and fun and that His presence is felt the entire time.  

Now, anyone that knows me knows I have OCD-like qualities to my personality.  I have been planning for about two weeks on what to wear, pack, etc. I am bringing my own pillow(S) and my own blanket. I have already budgeted my lunch and supper. I have Lysol on my list of "To buy".  I have my jewelry matched to each outfit (okay earrings because the only other thing I wear is my mother's necklace and my wedding rings). (Throwing a rock into my plan of what I was wearing is when the beading on one of my shirts came unraveled..Cato..you will be seeing me for an exchange! I haven't even worn this shirt yet!!!!)  I have what medicine I will be bringing JUST IN CASE for the treatment of: 1.) If I sprain an arm, ankle, etc 2.) Stomach virus (nausea/diarrhea) 3.) Sore throat/cold symptoms 4.) Headache/Mild pain    I also have on my list of "to do": 1.) Wax eyebrows (done)  2.) Color hair  3.)  Pedicure/paint toe nails   I know this all sounds crazy, but I seriously have to write EVERY THING down or I will forget it. I mean, I couldn't believe I have to write down a list of "to-do" for basic upkeep on MYSELF! What is funny, is that when I did a search for the MOPS Convention logo, different photos came up, but one that caught my eye was this: 

Yep, MOPS (or a dust broom..whatever). What really made me think is how mops are used frequently by us mothers. My mop is used for my floor, yes, but often times "it" is used for something far more than just cleaning.    Often times you hear that the mind of a child is like a sponge.  They absorb everything they see, hear and are taught.  Well, I see my mind is that of a mop. I am constantly having to try and gather all of my thoughts and plans that are in a state of chaotic disarray.  When I was younger (much like my sweet Elijah), I remembered EVERYTHING. I remembered every detail. I am sure I probably could put a date and time with the detail as well (especially if it were something that was to my benefit, like a toy. :) )  Now, you pour water on my sponge and it just goes straight through. There is no locking in the moisture (information) with me!  I will forever probably be a slave to my "lists" and be mopping all of my thoughts/lists/plans on to them.

So, that whole mop thing got me a bit side-tracked. :)  I am really thankful for the opportunity to go to convention. I raised all but 15$ that it took to pay for the trip. That was a HUGE weight lifted for me. I really do need this break. My prayer is that this "feet in concrete" feeling that I have will be obliterated by God's mighty workings. I know He has GREAT things planned for this convention. I do need this alone time. I'm not really alone, but I am taking a "vacation" from my "job".  I actually guess I could say I am on a "business trip" since my "business" is motherhood-and that is what convention is ALL ABOUT!!

Four days, three nights without my children or husband. Hmm, I am having mixed emotions about this.  I really am looking forward to getting myself ready a few mornings without Makennah swiping my mascara and trying to "put on may-up" or the always "Mommy, I can't find my _______!!!!!! (fill in blank with ANYTHING two six year old boys can lose or look over) :)  I am so stinkin' excited about the girl time. I am so excited to be rooming with three fantastic women. I am looking forward to all of the inspiration and encouragement I know that will be showered on me.  I am looking forward to getting to know nine other wonderful women. I am SO excited to see what God is going to do in me AND in others mom's hearts! I am so ready for this time of praise and worship. I am so ready for this ME AND GOD time. I.NEED.IT.    Then, I start thinking of my sweet boys. I haven't been away from them but once, when they were about 15 months old, for two nights. I have NEVER been away from M except for her staying overnight with Maw Maw and Paw Paw (and that has only been a handful of times).   I almost have tears just thinking about it. I know I probably will shed a few tears while at convention. I will miss Chris. I trust in God and I know that my sweet babies will be taken care of by my parents and by their Daddy for this time I am away. I think that my Mama has some fun things planned for them and Chris may take them swimming at the pool for probably the last time(s) of this summer. I have a tinge of guilt for taking this trip. I know they will enjoy this time and hopefully won't even miss me much.  I really need to refuel, refocus and re-prioritize.  Really, Because Better Moms......

.....Really DO Make a Better World!!!!

I have a ton of anxiety about the trip and about leaving my family. I've never done this before. It is totally brand new to me. I feel, though, I am taking that giant leap of faith and just going with it. Faith in knowing that my God, my protector, will keep us safe as we travel and are at convention. Faith in knowing not only is God protecting and providing for my children, but they are going to enjoy their one-on-one time with grandparents and their Daddy. Faith in knowing that HE KNOWS how badly I want my load lifted and faith in knowing that He will take care of that load.  I am going with what I know will be a blessed time and I can come home and mop everything back onto my lists and be refreshed for a new school year, a new MOPS year and a new year of mothering.

*Believe it or not, I am NOT taking my computer with me to convention and my phone does not have Internet capabilities. I will be (sort of) technology free for a few days, which is much needed. I will, however, try and blog a bit before I go to convention. Blogging about all this craziness is making me feel much better!!! :)

No Good, Bad Day-Or Was It?

On rare occasions, I feel like I am totally rockin' the cape.....

But most days, I am so tired and it takes me forever to get my thoughts processed enough to know what I am doing that day.

Today, my cape was no where in sight (like most every day) and I was dragging. Not only was I running on little sleep, but I really didn't feel well. Last night, all three of my kids ran fever. Last night, all three of my kids ran fever at different times. It first started with M, then E and lastly N.  Not.A.Fun.Night.For.Mommy.

I am sure most would wonder why in the world I would take the time to blog at almost midnight if I am just SO incredibly tired. Well, fact is, blogging helps me clear my head. This is my form of "letting it out" for the time being. My thoughts have been racing all day, so many things have gone wrong and I have kept my cool.  Now, it is time to let it out, let it go, and move on!

Oh, let's not forget to mention I haven't been to the grocery in forever and we REALLY need some things. Fevers make it kind of hard to go to the grocery store when the only option you have is to take your kids with you. Another reason is that I STILL haven't made my menu plan for this pay period. It has taken me FOUR DAYS and I STILL haven't gotten anything accomplished really.

Menu, you will be defeated tomorrow!!!!!

A little preview of  the many hats that I wear:

Nurse, Mommy

Today has been a very, very lazy day.  With the exception of mealtime (and mealtime cleanup) we have really done nothing. Bummer, because I was really, really looking forward to going to church this morning. I missed last Sunday because I was lazy and the Sunday before I was teaching. This is the third Sunday in a row that I have missed and I really, really can tell. The kids were just as bummed as I was. We also had plans for Little River with AAA after church, but that was canceled as well.  I did get to watch most of the live feed, so that was a highlight.

Today has been one of those days that I have been attacked by the enemy on so many fronts. He knows that I am weak and a a low point and he is taking his swings. Today, has not been my day.

I did get some laundry done this evening. Amazing, when ALL of my clothes are clean aside from just a handful...my close is packed and I have NO ROOM in my drawers! And I thought I didn't have any clothes......

Moving along....:) The kids requested chocolate chip pancakes for supper.  Easy enough...or so I thought.  I have been known to not make really good from scratch pancakes. It isn't that the recipe isn't good..it's the chef. This is why I only buy pre-cooked bacon. I burn bacon..every time.

These pancakes looked fantastic. They were whole wheat (flour) blueberry chocolate chip. I was pretty excited about these.  Well, going along with the nothing has gone right for me today theme, I guess these pancakes decided to follow suite.

This is actually the SECOND cooking pan that I used. The first one I burned, too. My heat wasn't too high, I used enough butter...I have no idea what happened.

I got incredibly frustrated and just threw out the mix and put my pans in the sink. (Which surprisingly are now hanging out in the dishwasher-yes-I at least cleaned the kitchen right.)  I announced to the kids that they would be having cheese grits instead.  They were happy with that. Sweet kids (and husband), they put up with alot of flops in Mommy's cooking.

Needing to get out for a bit, after bath time we ventured to McDonald's and got snack size McFlurries. I am one that stands by the "no milk products with a fever" but they had Ibuprofen in and no fevers at the moment, so I felt after such a crappy, sickly day at least this may brighten the mood a bit...and it did. :) 

They got their last round of Ibuprofen (hopefully until morning) right before bed and tummies were happy, so praise the Lord! 

On days like this, I just want to shout "This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, really bad day!!!!"  But really, even after everything and the fact that it took me hours to upload pictures because my computer restarted :).........I still have to be thankful. Thankful that I have a God that loves me and never gave up on me, not for one second today. Thankful that even on the bad days, He is still there. Even on the bad days, He is still my Savior. Even on the bad days, on the days where I can't even think about loving myself, He loves me. Even on the days that are great and I am wearing my cape with pride or the days that I just want to stay in bed all day and shut out the world, He is with me.  It is really hard to remember that while in the moment of  anger because the pancakes burned, but that is one of many things that I am working on.

Looking back on the days events and being an exhausted nurse mommy...today really, truly wasn't bad at all. In fact, no matter how bad the days get (or how good), I am never alone.

".....And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

Going through the motions

Have you ever been so deep in though while driving that you couldn't remember how you got to where you were?

Just tonight I did exactly that. I was driving the kids home from VBS. The kids were quiet because they were tired (believe it or not) and I was DEEP in thought. I forgot what I was thinking about now, but I remember turning on my blinker to cross the highway. Then, Elijah asked me, "Mommy, have we passed that chicken place yet?" For those of you that know this town, you know how far it is from "the chicken place" on my way home to the turn I have to make to cross the highway. That is a pretty good clip. I DO NOT remember any of that part of the drive.

This totally frightens me. Then, I got to thinking even further (don't worry, my thinking is happening at home this time, not driving my precious little ones)....is this how I live my life? Do I just drive down the highway of life so deep in my own self that I do not realize what is going on around me? Sometimes, I think so. Other times, I like to think, that I am keenly aware of others and what is going on around me.

This past Sunday morning, I prayed asking God to "Show me what I need to do..." regarding some things I have really been struggling with. I always can relate in some way to every message  my pastor gives, but this one struck me really hard. God totally was saying, "THIS is what you need to do."  He couldn't have been more clear. Now, I just need to put into action a plan. I need to start dealing with this and healing so that I can no longer just "Go through the motions"  of life and drift in and out, but actually live. Live without guilt, shame, sadness and hatred regarding these things and just-let go. This affects me so deeply, so personally that it then directly affects my marriage, my parenting, my ability to be a friend and so on.

So, one step at a time, as I am a W-I-P. :)

One of my very favorite songs by Matthew West goes like this: 

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Wow. It is like he totally wrote that song from the deep place in my soul that I shout and scream, "I don't want to just go through the motions!"  The scary part is, "What if I do actually give everything?"  Right? I am always so worried that I may fail, or what may be on the other side of the healing. N o longer will have the heavy heart weighing me down from such mess. Scary, yet exhilarating!

So, I must do what God has told me to do. I knew it already, and I knew He would tell me exactly what he had been "whispering" all along.  Sometimes, it is so hard to just be silent, listen and obey.

To gain the freedom that I know will come with healing will be amazing. I am scared to death. I know that going through this will open my relationship up with God to a totally new level; and I need that. I thirst for that. I want THAT more than anything. I want that "next level" with my Lord and Savior.

It's going to be one heck of a ride, but I am so ready to see whats on the other side.

I am a W-I-P

Lately, I have been struggling with the "Who am I?" syndrome. The obvious answer would be wife, mother, daughter, friend and so on.  But really "WHO AM I?" More often than not, I have to answer myself with, "You are a work-in-progress. You are being molded by God for His purpose."  And it hit me. Am I really being open to that "WIP"? Am I really just laying down WHO I AM now to the pallete of Who GOD wants me to be??? 
As I sit here, knowing that in just a few minutes I am going to get my morning started with breakfast, showering, and getting the kids ready for church. I am in such need for God's Word this morning and for worship time. I am such need for just personal, undistracted reflection and time with God.(Our worship time at church is one of my favorite things about this church, by the way. :) )
 Though I fail every second of every day...I really fail in my prayer life. To be honest, it is a roller coaster that I DO NOT like being on. It seems as though one week my conversations with God are often. The next week is just sporadic.  On those sporadic weeks, I feel so lost, so disconnected.
Being the scheduler I am, I feel like I need to even schedule quiet time with God. Not prayer (because that happens anytime, anywhere) but devotion, reflection and extra free-from-distractions prayer.  I find that I feel SO much better after I have this.
So anyway, I just had that on my mind. I am a W-I-P and God is creating in me the person that He wants me to be. All I have to be is open to let Him. That, sometimes, is the hardest thing to be.