Just tonight I did exactly that. I was driving the kids home from VBS. The kids were quiet because they were tired (believe it or not) and I was DEEP in thought. I forgot what I was thinking about now, but I remember turning on my blinker to cross the highway. Then, Elijah asked me, "Mommy, have we passed that chicken place yet?" For those of you that know this town, you know how far it is from "the chicken place" on my way home to the turn I have to make to cross the highway. That is a pretty good clip. I DO NOT remember any of that part of the drive.
This totally frightens me. Then, I got to thinking even further (don't worry, my thinking is happening at home this time, not driving my precious little ones)....is this how I live my life? Do I just drive down the highway of life so deep in my own self that I do not realize what is going on around me? Sometimes, I think so. Other times, I like to think, that I am keenly aware of others and what is going on around me. This past Sunday morning, I prayed asking God to "Show me what I need to do..." regarding some things I have really been struggling with. I always can relate in some way to every message my pastor gives, but this one struck me really hard. God totally was saying, "THIS is what you need to do." He couldn't have been more clear. Now, I just need to put into action a plan. I need to start dealing with this and healing so that I can no longer just "Go through the motions" of life and drift in and out, but actually live. Live without guilt, shame, sadness and hatred regarding these things and just-let go. This affects me so deeply, so personally that it then directly affects my marriage, my parenting, my ability to be a friend and so on.
So, one step at a time, as I am a W-I-P. :)
One of my very favorite songs by Matthew West goes like this:
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
Wow. It is like he totally wrote that song from the deep place in my soul that I shout and scream, "I don't want to just go through the motions!" The scary part is, "What if I do actually give everything?" Right? I am always so worried that I may fail, or what may be on the other side of the healing. N o longer will have the heavy heart weighing me down from such mess. Scary, yet exhilarating!
So, I must do what God has told me to do. I knew it already, and I knew He would tell me exactly what he had been "whispering" all along. Sometimes, it is so hard to just be silent, listen and obey.
To gain the freedom that I know will come with healing will be amazing. I am scared to death. I know that going through this will open my relationship up with God to a totally new level; and I need that. I thirst for that. I want THAT more than anything. I want that "next level" with my Lord and Savior.
It's going to be one heck of a ride, but I am so ready to see whats on the other side.
